Life and Death

I've been feeling very melancholy these past few months. It's been a year since I lost my mom and dad and when I think about them, it still brings tears to my eyes. As much as you try to forget the pain of not having them around to talk to anymore, something always happens to trigger the memories. I feel bad because my dad never really got to "live" his life. He wanted to travel, he wanted to see Ireland and as much as I would have tried to make that happen, he got too ill to travel. I thought he would get better, but he just got worse.

Dr. Death has claimed so much... my two cats, my mom, my dad three weeks later, and my sweet kitty phoebe most recently.

My daughter's friend's mother died on Thursday night after a long battle with cancer. He is so young to be without a mother and I guess his dad really hasn't been a dad - he's not in the picture. I think his mom was younger than me and that frightens me a bit.

I am on the other side of the hill now, making my way down (the autum of my life). I think about life and death a lot and I wonder why some people are taken too soon. Young people getting killed in wreckless auto accidents, young people committing suicide, young people filling their bodies with poisonous drugs and overdosing on heroin. Not everyone can be like Nikki Sixx and come back from the dead. Obviously there was a higher power that felt Nikki needed to serve a purpose and part of that purpose was to write the Heroin Diaries about his own addiction and recovery. It's a pretty scary read. We lost 3 young people from accidents last year and my cousin lost her son in May. I think about others who died too soon - Jackie Hines (so handsome) who was playing Russian Roulet with his friends and he got the bullet. I think about Brian Ahearn who was addicted to aerosole and died in his sleep. I think about Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson, Anna Nicole Smith and JFK, Jr. - what tradgedies. All these people wanted to live - they didn't want their lives to end.

My daughter's friend's mother wanted to live. She just became a grandmother and now she will never see her grandchild grow up. I think about Keith Dupke who all the girls loved in high school and he lost his life to a brain tumor in his late 30's/early 40's. I'm sure he wanted to live. My daughter's friend's mother fought to live so I can't understand why some people are fighting to try to die.

I know I can't change the past but it makes me so sad to look back at the time I wasted when I was young and in the "wrong" relationship for so many years. I had everything, the looks, the smarts but what I didn't have is the knowledge I have today. We are all running out of time, we can get terminally ill, we can get killed in a freak accident. Life can be over tomorrow - if you knew it was going to be over tomorrow, what would you do today? Would you stay in a bad relationship? Would you stay in a job you hated? Would you be friends with someone who betrayed you? We all have the freedom to make a choice, we just need to do it.

Seals and Crofts said it best, "We may never pass this way again". Like I tell my daughter time and time again. Life is not a dress rehersal - you can't come back and try to get it right the second time - there is no second chance.

Nikki Sixx learned the hard way but came back from the dead to tell us.....

You can’t quit until you try You can’t live until you die You can’t learn to tell the truth Until you learn to lie You can’t breathe until you choke You gotta laugh when you’re the joke There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive Just open your eyes Just open your eyes And see that life is beautiful. Will you swear on your life, That no one will cry at my funeral? I know some things that you don’t I’ve done things that you won’t There’s nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home I was waiting for my hearse What came next was so much worse It took a funeral to make me feel alive.........

I had a dream that you were alive

I dreamt about you this morning. I dreamt that you were alive. God, it seems like yesterday when I got a phone call that you were dying of a brain tumor. That was about 10 years ago. If I had known, I would have come by to see you. I would have made you laugh talking about old times, the wild parties we used to have at your apartment, the trash can filled with raw grain alcohol punch.... I have pictures of you in my wedding party. I don't think you ever got married or had children but you did break a lot of hearts. I remeber your beautiful eyes....You were a big part of my youth and I still cannot believe you're gone. I could see you so clearly in my dream. It's too bad we lost touch when I married. Even your close friend, my now ex-husband didn't keep in touch with you. I called him to tell him you were dying, but it was too late. I believe you had died that very day.

I searched through the Toad's Place website to see if they had any reference of you - were you "the Duke"? I didn't see any picutures or anything. Just wanted you to know that you may be gone but not forgotten, Keith Dupke. I'm thinking of you....

Happy Valentines Day Eddie Van Halen

It was October 5, 2007 when I saw you live at Mohegan Sun, and now I can't stop thinking about you. I look back at the various pictures and videos posted on the internet and remember you 30 years ago - such a cutie and oh so talented. Didn't really think you'd make it back, Eddie. Those pics of you early in 2006 made you look horribly old. But the music never aged. What you hear coming from that guitar never changed.

When you came out on stage that night, by yourself, the audience thought it was your son. But they were mistaken, it was you, Eddie. There was no rehab in March of '06. You did what you thought was right -- you got yourself in damn good shape. From hair style, hair color, veneers and a buff bod to boot, you successfully put other 53 year olds to shame. During that whole time on stage, you never tired, you smiled the whole time and you kept giving your son adoring looks - it was just so awsome. Your music was to die for.

I went to the internet and began researching old interviews, biographies and some old video of you and Val doing interviews together. You were so cute -- she was so cute -- what an unbelievable couple to have lasted 20 years. Then separation, divorce -- ouch that hurt - how awful that after all that, after all the two of you had been through that it ended. This makes me very sad as I don't think it should have ended. I really think that the two of you are soul mates. You've changed your life around for the better, she's changed her life around and is happier, your son is following in your footsteps braving the harsh world of rock at such a young age. What more could you possible want....what more could she possibly want.

Stick around Eddie (and stop smoking) you've got so much to give. Your talent is unbelievable - I just never noticed it before - isn't that strange. I've always loved Van Halen but up until October 5, they were just another good band. I'm smitten now and have downloaded every song I like from I Tunes. When I want to drink from the fountain of youth, I go to YouTube and watch one of your videos and suddenly I'm young again. You ARE the best guitar player that has ever lived.

From those of us who lead simple lives and who will never get to personally meet people like you, I'm thankful that at least I saw you live once - but as a stated before - I can't get you out of my head.

Happy Valentines Day to an infatuation I'll never meet.